Assassins Creed – In Depth Review

Here is my Assassins Creed “In Depth” Review. I say in depth but to be honest my review has about the same depth as this fucking miserable excuse for a game. To put it lightly, this game is a piece of shit.

When you first load the game up you are presented with a spectacular looking game but that shit is like putting lipstick on a pig because underneath all the pretty make-up is a fucking ugly game.

Every fucking mission is identical. The basic process for each level is as follows; climb up the towers in each city to find the information gathering missions which include, picking some miserable wankers pocket to steal info, bashing some cockheads face in to make him give up info, eavesdropping on a couple of faggots to get info, collecting flags for some miserable blackmailing fucker who is to lazy to do his own missions but is happy to tell you what he knows if you do his work for him. Once you’ve done a few of these missions you go and meet some reclusive informant who lives in a bunker because he’s afraid of being buttfucked by one of the many anal ploughers that litter the city. The informant tells you that you can go and take out the prime assassination target in each mission. From there you go and take out the prime assassination targets which are about as exciting as listening to AM radio. So that’s it, that is IT. Literally, nothing more to it. Try doing that about 15 times and not becoming bored shitless.

There’s also the cut-scenes which are fucking painful to sit through. Listening to these fuckers dribble on endlessly about “who the fuck knows what” is excruciating. I say “who the fuck knows what” because I didn’t actually listen to them after about the third time.

Now onto the fighting. It’s decent but some moron on the development team had a brainfart and decided to give you all of your abilities up front and then take them away after the first mission and force you to win them back. Great idea fuckmunch!! Go get a new job, game development isn’t your thing. Why not give proctology a shot. You’ve already got your head firmly entrenched up your own arse so do the same to someone else shouldn’t be a stretch.

The other thing to mention is the climbing mechanics which have great potential. To be honest, this is the only part of the game that presents any enjoyment but unfortunately it is let down because when you’re running along the rooftops it sometimes doesn’t detect edges of buildings and you therefore call off. This is extremely annoying when you’re trying to make a get away from the guards.

Oh yeah, there’s also this amazing twist in the game where you’re actually living in the current times and you’ve been strapped into some devise that allows you to live memories of your ancestors. They just tell you about this twist right at the start which reduces the impact significantly. It must have been another one of the proctologists ideas.

Another example of the genius of the development team is the way it frequently says “fast forwarding to a more recent memory”. Well fuck me, if you’re fast forwarding, wouldn’t it go without saying that you’re going to a more recent memory. Otherwise it would be rewinding. You fucking dopey pricks.

So that’s it. Don’t buy it.

Out.